Thanks to NBC, popularity of the English Premier League is at an all time high in the US. A combination of novelty and favorable time zones means half of my co-workers enjoy the 7am kick-offs on a Saturday morning. I was trying to explain to someone the intense rivalries between say Everton and Liverpool and suggested that it would be like the Philadelphia Eagles moving to Fort Worth only a few miles from Arlington, home of the Dallas Cowboys. He found the close proximity of the soccer teams incredible and that got me thinking, what if all 20 clubs were to relocate to Texas?
Houstonians and Austinites might disagree, but Dallas is the rightful capital of Texas, so the Metroplex gets all the London Teams.
Arsenal, being the best and deserving the best, get the shiny new JerryWorld stadium in Arlington as a capable replacement for the Emirates. Chelsea get exiled west to Fort Worth and TCU. Spurs, wishing they could be with their basketball brethren in San Antonio, go north to Plano. West Ham get Garland [but play at SMU of course] and Crystal Palace head south to Oak Cliff. Watford get sent north to Denton, almost in Oklahoma and play at the University of North Texas.
Liverpool being a port city, get Galveston, neighbors Everton get Pearland. Man City and Man Utd get to fight the humidity and each other in Houston. United get the old Astrodome for their trouble. City and their oil money fit in well in Houston and get the NRG Stadium.
Norwich being easterners head to Nacogdoches, Swansea being westerners go all the way west to El Paso / Ciudad Juarez. Back down on the coast, it makes sense to have Southampton in Corpus [within easy distance of Man U and Liverpool when they sell their best players] and Bournemouth get lovely Brownsville for sun, sand and surf.
The midland teams: Stoke get Austin and the Longhorn facilities, even though Waco would make more sense for that lot but Palace already taken over Baylor's new stadium. We sent Leicester to San Antone, figuring they Foxes would enjoy hanging out with coyotes in the Hill Country.
Birmingham rivals Aston Villa and WBA can never be separated and it is off to Midland-Odessa for them. They can play under the Saturday Night Lights as the Permian Panthers and Midland Lee Rebels look on.
Finally, it is grim up north as Sunderland get Lubbock / Texas Tech and Newcastle get the all 72 oz. steaks they can handle in Amarillo.